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| Suggestions for using IT Support |
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- When IT say they're coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It's no problem for us to remember 2700 network
passwords.
- When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby
pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers,bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find
it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
- When IT send you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're probably just testing out the public
groups.
- When an IT professional is at the water cooler or outside having a smoke, ask him a computer question. The
only reason why we drink water or smoke at all is to ferret out all those users who don't have email or a telephone
line.
- Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
- When you call a consultant's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual greeting that says he's on holiday
for a week, record your message, and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the director because
no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy.
- When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it, right?
- When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call the helpdesk. We can even fix telephone problems from
here.
- When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a chair in IT. Leave no name, no phone number, and no
description of the problem. We love a good mystery.
- When you have a consultant on the phone walking you through changing a setting; read the paper. We don't actually
mean for you to DO anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.
- When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother. We'll be there to hold your hand after it
is done.
- When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently just disappear into
the cosmos for no reason.
- When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the office. One of them
is bound to work.
- Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.
- If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for
you and all your co-workers. We're grateful for the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30am fixing them.
- Don't ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it!
- When a consultant asks you whether you've installed any new software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business
what you've got on your computer.
- If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable
under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.
- If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the network/mail upgrade. Keyboards work much better
with half a pound of muffin crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Coke under the keys.
- When you get the message saying "Are you sure?" click on that 'Yes' button as fast as you can. Hell,
if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it,would you?
- When you need to change the toner cartridge, call the helpdesk. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely
complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a Master's
degree in nuclear physics.
- When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge
of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.
- When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a high-priority mail attachment. We've got plenty
of disk space and processor capacity on that mail server.
- Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. God forbid somebody else might get
a chance to squeeze into the queue.
- When you bump into an IT professional in the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We work
24/7, even while at the grocery store on weekends.
- If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your
office computer. We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access database flip
out.
- When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair for free at the office,tell us how urgently we need to
fix it so your son can get back to playing DOOM. We'll get right on it because we have so much free time at the
office. Everybody knows all we do is surf the Internet all day anyway.
- Please make it absolutely clear to us what the problem is before we attend to it - include words/phrases such
as 'thingy', 'whatjamacallit', 'thing with the flashing light' and 'the box'. Anything more descriptive would throw
us off the real problem.
(With thanks to our members BEOR999 and G.)
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